Bi***y me

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I really hated the circumstance I was in. A result of my own fear, augmented by lack of support and faith by the people I held so dear. I did not want to blame others, but when a sticky situation occurred after I was being 'forced' to follow certain expectations from other people, I just couldn't help it. The decision I made after feeling very much obliged and decidedly influenced by another party, as far as I remembered, hardly ever came to a satisfying ending. The course that I took against my own judgment, in the believe that I might not know everything, and that others might know better, was one that I never truly enjoyed. No matter how much I tried to focus on the silver linings (and there were some, I was sure), it still couldn't distract me from the anger and regrets I felt seeing the repercussions of my own indecisiveness and lack of self-confidence. It threw me into a blaming spree and there's nothing I hate more than seeing myself being so despicable and disgusting.

I told myself over and over again never to put my life in the hands of other people. They could always promise you things, making you believe that they would make things OK, but all it came down to were empty words. They had their own lives to live. They had their own agenda. And once their agenda was fulfilled, what happened to me hardly mattered. I would never be their priority. They would come with excuses that while I wanted to hate those excuses (and them), they were pretty valid; the things that I did consider, but because I believed in their empty promises (oh how I wish I stayed true to myself!), I let myself suffered. 

I hated being forced to do something because I hated the person that I became when things went wrong. I would start blaming, finding faults in everyone, everything, but myself. Simply because of the fact that my heart wasn't into it when I did it. I did things that I didn't want to, but was made to feel it was an obligation, thus I did.  I hated every single second of it. I felt like I was being bullied but feared to go against it. 

From now on, I would stop depending on others, especially emotionally. No matter how kind the intention, I wouldn't want to feel indebted and I would hate to imagine what I would become when there's no sunshine.

I would make my own decisions, no matter how bad. Because then the only person I can blame is myself. And trust me, I would be a much happier person that way. Sometimes when I asked for opinions, I didn't always want one. Sometimes it's just rhetoric, other times it just to expand my own perspectives. Or I just wanted to feel like I wasn't alone. But at the end of the day, I WAS alone. And the only person I could trust was myself. I would embrace the good and the bad that came my way, as long as it came because of the decision I made on my own.